SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

17 weeks past DDay.

I’m feeling lost. I’m not sure what I’m expecting from my H but he doesn’t put up a fight anymore, he doesn’t try to defend anything and he accepts responsibility for everything he did, I don’t even know what to ask him anymore, I’ve completely exhausted all questions possible and this is making me feel like ‘now what’?, he asks me a few times a day how I’m feeling and if there’s anything he can do for me or anything I want to talk about, he tells me to let him know what I want him to do. On his days off work we go for a drive through the countryside because I absolutely love the views up there it’s beautiful, we take a picnic and talk until we can’t talk anymore not just about his ‘thing’ but our M too.

I’m at a place where I’m feeling like I don’t know what to do next if this makes sense to anyone?, there’s nothing more to say about the ‘thing’ everything has been discussed, it is what it is, now what?!.

My emotions are still up and down, I’ve been having moments of happiness returning and laughing and joking with H but then I feel like I shouldn’t be laughing or happy after what happened.

I feel like my H should be punished for what he did but I don’t want to punish him, what will that achieve?, he wants to be punished, he’ll say I deserve everything I get, I did this to myself , at times he’s asked me to punch him but I just can’t, what is that going to do? Aside from leave me with a sore hand and an orthodontist bill.

When we’re cuddling I’m so at peace but then something clicks and I think I shouldn’t be cuddling with my H after what he did, but then I need to cuddle to feel at peace, he’s my H why shouldn’t I cuddle with him, what is this? I’m so lost and unsure at weather we are trying to R the right way if there even is a right way?.

Sometimes I think am I trying to get through this too fast but then I think I’m not staying and wallowing in self pity, I can’t change none of this dog shit. Am I normal for feeling all of these things?.

Good and bad news: I think you're normal.

Being betrayed is traumatic. People don't heal from trauma overnight. It will take longer than you want to trust what you perceive. 17 weeks is just too short a time to have confidence that healing is going to proceed without a deal killing hitch coming up.

IMO, now is a time when you are asking yourself gut-level questions like:

What's the truth about your WS? Truly remorseful or not?

Will he stay the course?

Are you just taking a break because you're exhausted, or do you have other issues that need attending to?

What will happen when you figure out what you want - will he comply or balk?

Are you asking enough of him and of yourself?

Are you seeing the real him?

What illusions remain?

Think 104-260 weeks - that's the SI rule of thumb for recovery. Healing always takes longer than anyone thinks it should.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:05 PM, Tuesday, April 29th]

He already knows what I want

No more lies, zero.
No female friends, none.
We don’t hide our feelings or thoughts anymore we talk.
No more people pleasing, we don’t feel guilty for saying no.
Marriage comes before anything else.

I believe he is truly remorseful, although on the rare occasion he can be a little huffy if he’s busy doing something and I demand his attention to grill him about something I’ve already grilled him about a thousand times. He is always quick to correct himself.
H confessed to his infidelities years after, he didn’t have to blow his whole world up but he did because he said I deserved to know. He accepts that I do not have to remain in this M although he finds this and the uncertainty extremely distressing.

I feel I’m seeing the real him, as well as confessing to his infidelities at the same time he told me other things that he wanted me to know that are unrelated but that he felt I should know, one of the most disturbing is his mother begging him for years to take a second wife or leave me and our children and marry a woman from his own country of birth. She emotionally blackmailed him right up until the day she died in 2016. Because he didn’t want to be outcast by his family, he would lie to his mother to pacify her telling her that he would leave us one day, or make an excuse saying he couldn’t leave yet because I wasn’t well enough to manage the children on my own.
He told me that when his mother died it messed him up a bit because he mourned the loss but was relieved he didn’t have to deal with her anymore. The things he offered me on DDay and after are not of someone who is hiding themselves but you can never be 100% certain.

I do still have outbursts of the crazy, he doesn’t like this at all and doesn’t know how to handle it.

I know it’s a long road to healing, some days I feel like I’m doing something wrong by carrying on with life as normal when I have a good day, it feels weird.