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Recently (7/20/25) found out that my wife of 15 yrs. (18 yrs together) has been having an affair with her college best-friend, who had become someone I consider family, a brother, and was a groomsmen in our wedding! The week prior (7/13/25) she confessed to me that she is extremely unhappy and has been for a while now (1st time she has mentioned to me how unhappy she actually was, and provided very little detail as to what exactly she is unhappy with in our relationship), and that she was questioning our marriage. She also confessed that a big reason for even bringing this up to me was due to the fact that she had a "very real & deep emotional connection with someone else that she didn't want to deny herself and wanted to explore.

I expressed how deeply this hurt me and that I was crushed to hear that she had allowed herself to allow someone else into her life in that manner when that was a promise (boundary) we had always said we would never cross. I was calm, didn't react off of my emotions as I wanted to. I stated that I request that she cut-off all contact with the 3rd party until we can figure out what we were going to do. I asked if she was willing to do the work on us to figure this out. To which she agreed. Woke up the next morning raging!! Knew I had to leave the house for a few days. Stayed in a hotel for 3 days. Told her that I needed to process more in our home and asked her to leave. Which she did. She came back home Sunday 7/20/25. Throughout the week we still agreed to do marriage therapy. During our time apart I asked her to think about 2 things; 1-What did this week away from each other provide you? 2-What are your goals, wants, expectations of this 1st conversation?

She replied that this week had given her more clarity that she didn't see a path forward for us, she doesn't want to have any "regrets, or waste anymore time" and that she doesn't want to fix, work, or stay in our marriage. I stripped myself of all pride, ego, etc. and opened up to her about where I stood (still wanting to fight for our 15yr marriage). To no avail. I hadn't asked her who this 3rd party was because I knew I wasn't ready for the news (also had a conversation that reinforced that even though I felt that I NEEDED to know specifics, that it doesn't really matter what the specifics are. What happened happened.). I told her that I know it's either someone she works with, or, someone that we know (she doesn't do much outside of work, run errands, and do things together as a couple). I told her that if it is someone we know that I need to know because that person no longer exists to me & if I were to find out in a more "sloppy" way that this would lead to more issues. I turned and looked at her and asked her, "so, is it someone we know?" The look on her face said it all. I asked who it was, she tried to get out of telling me, but eventually told me that it was her college best friend (I'll call him f*** Boy). I was furious with both of them. Still am to be honest! That crosses more lines that I can never come back from. Asked her to leave the house for another 48 hr to process. Here is the kicker to all of this. Her father had a years long affair on her mother and fell in love with another woman. He confessed to my wife and made her keep the secret for almost a yr. This led to her having significant ill feeling towards her father for many many yrs. She never actually forgave her father before he died. And now she does the same thing?

She tried to pass it off as, "this hasn't been a yrs or months long (emotional affair-she says. I don't believe it at all) thing between her and FB). Again, don't believe that. This may sound bad, however, I am simply speaking off of my personal experiences, along with those of my loved ones & family. Every female I know in a long term relationship takes many months to emotionally remove themselves from their partner prior to making a move like that to start an affair. She claims this "connection" formed over a couple of conversations and she knew she had to come clean to me. BS! After analyzing behaviors, her actions, etc. I have (speculation, I am well aware) come to the conclusion that she had felt this way towards our marriage for longer than she admits, and that her affair started @ least at the start of 25.

She came back Tuesday 7/22. We were in the same house for a few days. She all the sudden became concerned and caring for how I was doing. Which angered me even more! Kept asking me how I was doing, etc. Thurs 7/24, I texted her some very choice (not aggressive, but cold, calculated, truthful) words for her. I hadn't expressed my anger to her prior to this point. The next day she said that she didn't want to continue to hurt me every time I come home and that she was going to pack up some things and leave the house for a few more weeks to give us more space.

This time away has been good for me, it has allowed me to be open & honest w/ myself about the things that are fundamentally important to me that she wasn't giving me (emotional support, support as a whole-being my cheerleader, physical intimacy- we have never been on the same page. Physical touch is one of my love languages-she can go months without much physical intimacy, the fact that I can count on 1 hand the amount of times we have been physically intimate and she was sober). It has allowed me to start to envision what it is that I want/need in my life that provides me true happiness and joy (I do understand that I am the only one who can determine my own happiness). I am excited for what the future holds for myself. I have put in a LOT of personal work on myself over the past few yrs. During that time I have found my voice, confidence, and was able to see how much I had lost myself in our marriage, and I am one semester away from obtaining a certificate that will allow me a new career path that I am very passionate about. This time has also allowed me to be open about the past mistakes I have made (there are plenty, by no means am I claiming to be a perfect husband, because that would be a lie). One thing I can say about myself is that it may have taken me a while to learn from said mistakes, but I did learn and grow from them. Changed bad traits & behaviors about myself for the better.

I have a plan moving forward. Divorce. She wants a new life, go ahead and chase that, but you will not be starting your new life w FB from the home that we built together. I have already started back in therapy, exercising again, journaling. I also approached this situation completely differently than I have with most traumatic situations in my past. Normally I would self isolate, pour myself into a bottle, run from the issues, wake up 12 months later in the same spot I started at, and genuinely self loath/hate. This time I decided to be vulnerable to my loved ones, I stopped drinking knowing it was a crutch that only masked emotions, I've reached out and asked for from multiple people who I care about & each one of them has responded without question (some of them are my wife's best friends whom I have been there for in the past). They have all loved and supported me. It's been amazing to be surrounded by such love and support.

Lastly, I feel, it's important to note that my wife hasn't shared what she has really done (affair) w the 5 people in her life that she is closest too. This let's me know that she knows, exactly how foul she knows she is moving.

Not really sure what I am looking for from this forum, but felt life I needed to share my story here to see (read) what others may feel about it. Thank you for reading in advance.Interested to see what if any replies are.

Hey Blevins,

Sorry you had the need to find this place, but it’s good you did.

I have a plan moving forward. Divorce.

I applaud you. Some here will wring their hands saying you’ve decided too quickly, but I’m convinced you’ve done the precise right thing. And here’s why:

- You’ve taken control over your life, and will no longer stand to be the object of her disrespect
- You’re enforcing your boundary - sorry wife, no screwing other guys
- The ball is now firmly in her court if she wants to attempt to move heaven & earth to save this M (she almost certainly won’t, and this was likely an exit affair)
- She may be in a state of at least feeling a tinge of guilt, or more likely butterflies for OM, so she’ll be more willing to give you (slightly) better terms in the D then she otherwise would

Stand firm. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by any crocodile tears or words. Do you have kids?

She’s asking if you are ok to try to make herself feel better, so she will pretend to care because she thinks it makes her a better person. She knows what she did and is still doing is wrong and so now she is trying to make herself look better and not like the awful person she is. Don’t fall for it, just move forward with the divorce and cut all contact with her. There is nothing to talk about, hopefully there are no kids involved to make cutting ties with her more complicated. Sorry you are here, it sucks.

Totally agree re trying to make herself feel better/convince herself she isn’t as shitty a person because, hey, she could be off with her AP leaving you in the dust but she so good that she’s willing to give you some attention. 🤢

While I haven’t a clue whether this is an exit affair or not it doesn’t really matter.

The focus is on you now and it seems you have that well in hand. Keep going and putting one foot in front of the other.

Blevins,

Evaluating the marriage pre infidelity is something most betrayed miss when they’re dealing with the shock and trauma, so well done on keeping your head on straight.

If FB has a wife or girlfriend let her know what’s going on so she can make her own decisions about her future.

Lastly, I feel, it's important to note that my wife hasn't shared what she has really done (affair) w the 5 people in her life that she is closest too.

I’m sure you have surmised that whatever she does share will end up being your fault.

I was in your shoes. I’d like to say that I believe MANY cheaters are not unhappily married until they meet the OM/OW.

And I heard how my H was unhappy for years but never said anything or did anything about it — except to use it as a "reason" to have a midlife crisis affair.

Do please don’t buy into her "I was unhappy" routine. Since there were no obvious signs that you noticed anything amiss — most likely nothing was actually wrong.

I think you are doing the right thing by taking time for yourself. I’m sorry your so/called friend is such a loser. Please tell his wife if he is married. She deserved to know.

Deciding too fast?

IMO, a BS can definitely decide too fast. That doesn't seem to be you, though. Rather, you set a boundary and are sticking to it. Being betrayed both by one's WS and by one's friend is beyond awful, and D is awful - but both are less awful for most of us than sharing one's WS is.

Whether or not this is an exit A for your W, she's basically said she prefers to be with her ap now. IMO, your best bet is to accept that reality and behave accordingly - feel the pain and plan your recovery.

You've chosen to heal rather than dwell on the injustice of being betrayed and/or on the perfidy of your W and friend. That's a good choice for you, IMO, but you probably won't start feeling great for a while. If you find yourself hurting, you're not crazy. It's traumatic to be betrayed, and trauma hurts.

A lot can happen in the coming months, and SI can help with information and support. You can find both here, and the G, D/S, and possibly R forums. You may also be able to find support in the https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/512858/double-betrayal-/ thread in the I Can Relate forum.

I should add my H was convinced he too wanted to be with his midlife crisis affair - much younger OW too.

For 6 months all I heard was how he wanted a D.

And then suddenly he decides it’s over and he wants to R. Like that was going to be easy.

So I think your cheating spouse is living in Fantasy Land at the moment. She’s basing her decisions for the future in an affair (which is not based on reality).

Be prepared for the day things change and she wants to come crawling back.

I hope you also know that the week she was gone, she was likely with him or at least planning with him what she would say when she came back. That’s why she came back with the clarity that she didn’t want to save the marriage. Honestly though at this point, why does she keep coming back to your house. Even when you cursed her out via text, she didn’t say she was leaving permanently, just that she would leave for a while to give you space? Have you told her that the space you need will be permanent?

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that we recommend new members read. Some other great posts are available. They aren't pinned but do have a bull's eye icon so you can identify them. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and is full of references.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. Bonus points if they have expertise in helping to heal from infidelity.

If you're having trouble sleeping or with depression or anxiety, you may wish to see your doctor for some meds. Plus, you may wish to get tested for STDs/STIs as there are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer.

Please focus on you and your healing, and focus on your children if you have any. It's very common for the WS (wayward spouse) to re-write the marital history (I'm so unhappy, etc.) and basically want to pin the blame on you. Please know that her decision to have an A (affair) is 100% her choice.

So sorry that you have to deal with this.

Sorry you are facing this treason of her making. The fact that she did so with a "friend" does show how deep and wide the moral chasm is in her soul. Same with her fellow traitor.

My first wife did the same with my best friend. It gutted me for a long while. I mistakenly tried to stay with the marriage for the kids (young) which was pure misery.

Some time ago I started a thread listing the mistakes I made as a young, newly and doubly betrayed husband. Many other posters pitched in with their own and it was very helpful and validating. There may be things there that prove helpful. You can access it here:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/663153/behaviors-that-are-not-helpful-productive-for-newly-betrayeds/

The one thing I want to reiterate is getting into IC for betrayal trauma recovery asap. Its a step I delayed far too long to my detriment.

Should D indeed be your path forward, know that there can be a far far better life waiting on the other side. My now wife (also a survivor of a brutal betrayal) and I have built the life and marriage we've both hoped for and dreamt of. In the tumult of the moment it may ring hollow now, but know that happiness and fulfillment with an actual mental/emotional adult who possesses a moral center IS possible.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 2:46 PM, Monday, August 4th]