SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m 33, pregnant with our first baby, and trying to figure out if I should stay and try to reconcile or not.

Background:

My partner (40) and I have been together 9 years. I was 24 when we started dating . He has been with over 100+ partners, and is conventionally good looking. I have only had sex in serious relationships. Anyway, when we started dating, hit it off, and within 3 months launched a business from absolute nothing. Our business was successful and grew fast into two locations with a team of over 20. The stress was insane. I am including this information just for context of understanding the abnormal stressors we were under. Our relationship was jeopardized from the get go.

Our sex life was never good… awkward, infrequent, pressured, mostly lights-off missionary. Think he has intimacy anorexia or struggles with Madonna/whore complex.Anyway.

The betrayal:

4 years ago, during a very dark period when I was struggling badly with alcoholism due to the overwhelming stress of our businesses and our relationship, my partner ran into one of our employees and her friend at a bar. He was extremely drunk and escaping the tension (me) at home. They invited him and his friend over. Eventually, the girls aggressively started making out on top of him, initiating a threesome. He says he pulled away at first, but then participated for about an hour (multiple positions, no protection). He remembers the sex, but not how he got there or conversations. He panicked right after, and called her saying it was a huge mistake not to tell anyone.

Shortly after the threesome he broke up with me. I went to rehab, got sober, and came back better. Been sober since.

While we were broken up he got 3 blowjobs from strippers on a work trip. This is all he’s confessed to, anyway.

He then hid the threesome from me for 3.5 years. Because the girl worked for us, he allowed her to work for 2 more years out of fear (wrongful dismissal, her being "crazy," blowing up the business). He only confessed 7 months ago after a solo hunting trip where he read the Bible, after she had been gone for 1.5 years already. She was an awful worker, stole from us, treated me horribly, slandered us, stole clients, was malicious and awful, had many reasons to be let go, and could have been let go a lot sooner. I never understood why she was protected until he confessed.

He also lied for years about watching porn and going to strippers / getting lap dances with touching, right up until 2025 (last year). I genuinely believed he had no sex drive as he never tried to initiate with me, and I never saw him watching porn, not once. I assumed he was just getting older with less libido.

Now:

After he confessed we went through a period of hysterical bonding. I got pregnant during that phase. I’ve been sober for 4 years. He’s in sex addiction therapy 2x/week, no porn or masturbation for 6+ months now and trying his best to be there for me and "rewire his brain." But he still gets defensive sometimes during my meltdowns.

I have severe betrayal trauma… meltdowns every few days, sexual aversion (I cry during any intimacy now), constant "I’m not enough" spirals, body hatred, and obsessive thoughts about surgery.

I’m terrified this trauma will never heal, that I wasted my youth and beauty on someone who never wanted me the way I needed, and that staying is just more damage. But leaving with a newborn while our businesses are still entangled feels overwhelming. We are not married yet but It feels impossible to leave. He has proposed, twice.

Has anyone survived something similar (threesome + employee + long secrecy + additional stripper/porn lies + pregnancy during hysterical bonding + Madonna whore/complex)? How did you decide whether to stay or leave? What actually helped the sexual inadequacy and "I’m not enough" feelings? I can’t help but blame myself because of my alcoholism issue, maybe I need to give him more grace…?

Thank you. This is destroying me.

[This message edited by Canadiangirl4469 at 6:03 PM, Wednesday, May 20th]

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you are living this nightmare!

Please do not marry him! He has shown you repeatedly who he is, believe him!

IMO you only know the tip of the iceberg. He is not the man you hoped he was.

I highly suggest you find a good individual counselor for yourself to help you navigate this trauma.

Do you have friends/family members who can support you through/after your pregnancy?

In addition, I would consult with an attorney just for kNOWLEDGE to figure out how you would go forward without him, finances, etc.

I always ask this question when a betrayed has experienced multiple infidelities......how would you advise your best girlfriend if she came to you with the entire truth of the multitude of betrayals? Stay and pray for the best living in a constant state of vigilance and emotional trauma OR move on and find peace, We only have one life, you deserve to live free from this manchild and are worthy of a partner who is honest and transparent and faithful.

Ask yourself where you want to be a year from now, two years from now, five years from now......it takes years to heal from infidelity under the "best" of circumstances, your relationship has had too many red flags for years, I am so sorry I can't be more positive BUT only you can decide what's best for you and your child.

I wish you the best, all of the betrayeds here have experienced this trauma, understand you will move through this with time, lots of time.

Hugs......

Edited to clarify, there are no "best" circumstances when faced with betrayal, what I mean is if the wayward is truly remorseful and does everything in his/her power to help the Betrayed heal while at the same time taking full accountability for the devastation caused by the betrayal admitting the entire TRUTH and doing everything the betrayed needs to move forward without hestitation. Share passwords, attend therapy, read books, and LISTEN.

[This message edited by annb at 3:10 PM, Wednesday, May 20th]

Congratulations on two major factors:
Your pregnancy, but ESPECIALLY your sobriety. Four years is both long, but still a long way to go.

I strongly 100% suggest you base all your decisions moving forward on your sobriety. It’s the key to you healing from the infidelity, it’s the key to your baby’s health, it’s the key to your future. That future might include your partner, might include the company and all that… but will definitely 100% include YOU. So focus on YOU and the key to a healthy and mentally sane you is sobriety.

Not drinking is only part of being sober. Are you in any form of support group? Do you do AA? Done the 12Step? Have a sponsor? If no to one or any of these then I can’t strongly enough suggest you look into it. I have several friends who have stated getting sober is easy, but it’s the staying sober that’s hard. You can’t white-knuckle it, and AA has a support net that you can fall into when tempted. There are even specific groups for those that might have more than a couple of years sober, so the discussions reflect what you might be going through to stay sober.

Him?
Well… I will suggest you don’t make excuses for him. You make it sound like he was an involuntary participant in the threesome. There he was all being nice and innocent when a couple of girls accidentally fell on his penis. Basically rape seeing as how drunk and helpless he was…
No. He willingly took part, willingly went to strippers, willingly cheated each and every time he did so.

Maybe because of SA. Maybe not…

It’s positive he is seeking treatment. I would maybe set a deadline – say 6 months – during which you two might cohabit but all plans for the future would be based on where you both are in your addictions/sobriety at that time.

Has anyone survived something similar (threesome + employee + long secrecy + additional stripper/porn lies + pregnancy during hysterical bonding + Madonna whore/complex)? How did you decide whether to stay or leave? What actually helped the sexual inadequacy and "I’m not enough" feelings? I can’t help but blame myself because of my alcoholism issue, maybe I need to give him more grace…?

Maybe he needed to give you more grace?

I just wanted to say that I don't think you need to hear from someone who experienced the exact set of circumstances you describe above. Betrayal is betrayal. We all end up with the same feelings you're having regardless of the varied circumstances that surround different individuals.

Your alcoholism wasn't to blame, the way you look wasn't to blame, the way you make your lasagna wasn't to blame, etc. There is no one to blame but him and the choices he made. He wasn't an innocent victim. He made choices when he could have made better choices. He needs to figure out why he chose destructive, hurtful choices that helped nothing.

Individual therapy for each of you is definitely needed here.

leaving with a newborn while our businesses are still entangled feels overwhelming. We are not married yet but It feels impossible to leave. He has proposed, twice.

Just having a newborn is overwhelming! Yes, I can see where the whole situation is overwhelming. It is, for sure. But people have gotten through times like these (and worse! Not to make light of what you're going through. I always just imagine situations that are even worse than what I'm going through to help me feel a little better.) Marrying him is not going to improve this situation. He can help with the child without being married. Please do see a lawyer to understand your rights. And always remember that you don't have to make a decision about your business or your boyfriend today. Take the time to get to know what you really want and what really works for you.

[This message edited by SackOfSorry at 11:16 PM, Wednesday, May 20th]

Bigger is a treasure. He always shows what is important. Sobriety and a baby. Look after your health that includes mental/emotional. Your body is feeding the most important person in your life. Your ws does not even come into the picture.

The first and most important definition that you gave is the number +100-. That is so scary. I hope you have been tested for every disease. If not go tomorrow.

See a doc for something for anxiety if it is allowed during pregnancy. Get enough sleep and eat healthy. If you are having trouble purchase liquid meals. Look for ones with plenty of protein. This is just a suggestion based on one of my pregnancies. See a dentist and talk to your doc about vitamin C. Be sure the doc puts you on preg vitamins.

It is nearly impossible when this scared but be practical. What chance do you think he has getting and staying "sober". Remember…you can’t fix him. This is his issue. How he manages it should not give you false hope until he has been sober for a long time.. Your sobriety is yours and his is his. You take care of you.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:58 PM, Wednesday, May 20th]

Thank you everyone for your wise responses. I forgot to mention we have been both getting individual counselling, couples counselling, I did EMDR, and now he is actively in sex addiction therapy, as well as a men’s group for intimacy anorexia and sex addiction, which has helped significantly. I do feel he is doing everything he can to repair the damage, now. He cut off and blocked the unhealthy influences in his life, he has gave me complete transparency with his devices and passwords, does workbooks with me every night, he has been cooking me three meals a day, and pretty much spent every minute of every day since the confession with me. I know he’s been "sober" because he has not left my side. We are blessed and fortunate that our business is fully operational now which allows us to work from our computers. So I have been able to take care of my health and get lots of sleep. I do worry about my baby with my crying spells, I have spoken to my doctor about being on anti depressants possibly and we are going to make that decision soon after my 20 week anatomy scan.
One of the hardest parts of this entire situation is that I never doubted that he loved me. He has always been deeply in love with me, even through the worst period of my alcoholism. He always wanted to marry me and have kids, but I’ve been hesitant for unrelated reasons. He has been patient. I think part of why this shattered me so deeply is because I never believed he was capable of hurting me in these ways. At the same time, I also have enough self-awareness to acknowledge that our relationship was under extraordinary strain during that period of our lives. My alcoholism affected both him and our business profoundly. He was trying to hold together a rapidly growing company, our home life, and our relationship while also watching me spiral into a very dark place. That does not excuse his choices, but I also do not believe our situation was as simple or black-and-white. What gives me *small* hope is that he did eventually confess everything on his own. There was no investigation, no catching him in the act, no forced exposure. He came forward himself, knowing it could destroy our relationship, our life together, and the business we built. My therapist has expressed optimism about reconciliation, not because what happened was acceptable, but because of his level of accountability, the consistency of his actions over the last 7 months, and the fact that he voluntarily disclosed the truth instead of continuing to live a double life.
I can see changes in him that feel genuine and sustained, especially now that he is no longer constantly seeking novelty, escape, validation, or external stimulation. For the first time, it feels like we are finally addressing the deeper issues underneath everything instead of just surviving beside each other.
In regards to my sobriety, I have done all of the steps and was actively in AA for a long time. I did 45 days in rehab and it was a life changing experience for me. I am not as actively involved with AA nowadays, however. But this is a good reminder I should probably be more proactive now with all of this trauma. But even through all of this betrayal and pain, alcohol has not crossed my mind. It was a very scary and dark time for me & I don't feel inclined to ever go back there. I thank god every day for a second chance at life, and am extremely grateful for my recovery.

You poor thing, what a crappy trifecta of suck you're enduring!

He was VERY lucky to get away with not being sued into the ground for sexual abuse of a female employee, and you are both very fortunate there was no ooops baby.

Mine had Madonna/Whore also. I found him messaging one of his sidepieces just before I cut him loose, asking for sexy pics and ruminating about his life with me. He actually said "Sex with my wife was good, but not freaky like with my girlfriends." This from a guy who (I realized much too late) could never look me in the eyes when we were in bed.

The thing is, porn really messes with their grey matter in a profound way.

They are basically fucked in the head.

He doesn't sound like father material, but a redemption arc is always a possibility. I hope so for your sake. There's a whole lot of work to do and it's fucking exhausting. On top of managing a newborn. But you're young, in your prime, and it's your decision in the end. (I was about your age when I married him, and just about to turn 55 when the shit hit the fan).

Big hugs. Keep posting and don't share this site with him. This is your space to try to heal and we've got your back.

Onward.

FF

[This message edited by FaithFool at 2:01 AM, Thursday, May 21st]

I have severe betrayal trauma… meltdowns every few days, sexual aversion (I cry during any intimacy now), constant "I’m not enough" spirals, body hatred, and obsessive thoughts about surgery.

I’m terrified this trauma w ill never heal, that I wasted my youth and beauty on someone who never wanted me the way I needed, and that staying is just more damage.

Canadian: I was in your same spot all those years ago, but I was about 10 years younger than you are now. That's when our 'dark period' started. I wish that I had chosen differently then. Your words above is the reason. Like FF, the shit hit the fan decades later. Are you willing to gamble the rest of your days with your wayward when you say that you know the truth of what happened. Why? You've already lived the fallout once, and you don't think it will happen again. It can. It does. It did. The porn and substances changes people and not for the better. And, then feel those feelings about yourself again and again, only now it's 30, 40, 50 years later. While you go through the therapy, the continued Hell of it. Staying is more damaging. You've provided a lot of excuses for him, but there isn't any good excuse for the way that he cheated and then lied. Then continues to lust after porn. Leaving you neglected sexually and emotionally. Pregnancy, chiidbirth, and being a parent really hard by itself. Then add the stress of a cheating partner. You are in a better spot than I was - you are not married. You are free already. No attorneys, no mediation, no property division, court dates, etc.

I really want to stress that your alcoholism is NOT why he cheated, and from the sound of things, the number of partners, his behaviors and all that then I suspect he has been unfaithful all your relationship-period.

Yes, it is positive that he confessed and felt a need that you know all. Extremely positive.

Having done the 12Steps you probably recognize the 5th Step – Confession, and the 9th Step – Making Amends.
One part of the amends is that if you think confessing and making amends directly will cause the injured party too much pain you make indirect amends. Like if he had been physically abusive to a former partner then contacting her and making amends might trigger her, so the amends might be in the form of a donation to a battered woman’s shelter.
He could have hidden behind some excuse that confessing directly to you would cause you trauma. But I think he realized relationships can’t be built on falsehoods and lies. That you have the right to decide your future from a foundation of truth. To me that is a very positive sign from him.

I am not an alcoholic and therefore don’t have personal experience of AA. But I’m close enough to too many alcoholics to have extensive third-party experience of AA, witnessed where it works and where it doesn’t, and have experience of AlAnon. I am 100% certain that there are statistically better "solutions" or treatments for addictions than AA, but I doubt any form of therapy or treatment has helped as many as AA and is as accessible as AA. I think the bottom line is that AA can give back to you in the correct proportion to what you give to it: Participate with intent and honesty and it will be successful.

Remember your early days sober? How capable were you of taking and keeping life-altering decisions at that time? Underlying all your decisions was probably the thought of how THIS decision might impact your ability to get your next fix. Part of the early sobriety training is making decision that make getting the next fix harder and/or less likely.
I think he might be there. His actions and decisions are focused on how to NOT succumb to his compulsive behavior.

With time – just like you needed time to not base decisions on the next fix – he starts making decisions based on what’s best rather than what’s not feeding the SA.

This is why I constantly suggest to those with spouses battling addiction and infidelity:
If you want to reconcile or are unsure of what you want then focus on the spouses sobriety for the first few months.

For an addict the fix is more important than ANYTHING. Including the family, spouse, kids…
This is why you have parents reeking of booze pick up their kids from daycare and drive off – their need for the next shot of vodka is stronger than the need to safely get your kids home. Why there is no milk or bread in the fridge, but there will always be a bottle of vodka somewhere.

What complicates your situation is that you are an inactive/recovering alcoholic AND an expecting mother.
Lets get one thing out there: NO MATTER if you remain with him or not your kid will always be a blessing and can always have two parents. Do a good job as a parent and children are a life-long source of joy and pride. Your relationship status won’t make the kid a burden nor automatically eliminate him from the baby’s life. If you two remain a couple it’s because you WANT TO – not because you need to.

But the stress of the present situation might weaken your resolve regarding sobriety and I strongly suggest you place all the fences you can to keep you sober. That might include finding an AA group and attending at least weekly.
I also think that you can allow yourself the grace of time. Maybe focus on two prime-goals now: a healthy baby and a healthy you.

While doing so you definitely monitor him and his sobriety from his addiction. But the goal isn’t to find resolve on your relationship status. Your goal is to create the calmest environment you can for you and your baby. His only role right now is to work on his sobriety and assuring you that he is following his treatment plan.

Your future, marriage or whatever… All those issues will be there once your pregnancy is stable and/or you cuddling your newborn. Your future is bright. It will be fantastic. All that remains to be seen is his role in it. What threatens that role is his past, and what might give you a better view on his future role is his behavior from now until YOU decide to evaluate YOUR future.