I have been having self-blaming thoughts "if only I was thinner, prettier, younger" or "If only I hadn't spent time away from him to follow my dreams, even though he encouraged me to" or "if I hadn't got disabled" he wouldn't have been interested in seeking out other women. But in reality he did this over and over when I was younger or thinner or not disabled. Heck, even when he was sitting beside me he was chatting up women and when I was home upstairs he was video-calling a naked woman and showing himself on camera touching his naked penis... ??
I know intellectually this behaviour wasn’t my fault, he made the shitty decisions. but yet I still struggle with the pain of why he felt I wasn't good enough for him, physically or even to connect on a deeper level. It may not have ever gotten physical but that doesn't make it hurt less. Betrayal is betrayal. I thought the pain he saw me in of not only the lying and year and a half of trickle truth would have prevented him from ever doing it again. How could he not remember how awful it was for 4 years?
This time it is worse not only because he was contacting women again, it is worse because I can't unsee the video of him and her half naked. It doesn't matter if it was a deepfake video, he thought it was real. It doesn't matter that she stopped it to sextort him... who knows how far he was prepared to go? When you are showing your penis on camera and touching yourself while begging her to lower the camera to show not just her naked tits but her naked pussy as well what are the chances you would stop before an orgasm???
And that might just be the deal breaker... He insisted that no one ever got "a piece of him" But having an orgasm with someone else IS someone getting a piece of him. Is intention bad enough? Just like if the person he connected with in the past had agreed to meet for a "well-oiled massage" and some "tension-release", which let's face it really is code for let’s meet for sex. What are the chances of him not going to meet her? And then once meeting what are the chances of turning down a woman that's willing. He kept insisting he would never have let himself cross the line – but then said I mean he did say if I hadn’t cancelled all my travel plans in 2014 he doesn’t know what would have happened that summer. And he kept crossing lines – what line would he have stopped at ? ?
I would have thought being on video with a naked woman was a line he wouldn’t cross. And certainly, showing your penis on camera I would never in a million years imagine would be a line he would cross.
Does it make it ok that no one took him up on his offers to meet years ago?
Does it make it ok because this one was after $$$ and stopped him before orgasm?
Does it matter that he was talking to bots most of the time? That the woman in the video wasn’t even real. He tried, and thought it was all real.
Am I willing to accept that "we'll never know what would have happened"? That's what I accepted last time.
Am I willing to accept that it will never happen again? That's what I accepted last time....
Seriously, am I that crappy a partner that it keeps happening? Happening in multiple relationships and mutual times with the same person sure seems to speak volumes Sad angry hurt pissed off and wanting to change the past but it all can never be undone just like I can't unsee what he was willing to do on camera...
Why do I feel that I am overreacting because it wasn’t PinV?
Why do I feel that I am overreacting because it isn’t happening now?
Why do I feel that I am overreacting because it wasn’t emotional?
Why do I feel like I am overreacting when we are happy in so many ways, in our twilight years - who knows how many years we have left- I don't want to waste time being miserable – why can’t I just let it go?
Why does the only person I love have to be the reason for my pain, anger, and sadness?
Why is it that the only one I want to or can comfort me is the cause of it all ?
Why the f**k did you have to make it so your penis or you being attracted to breasts are fucking triggers. Now the images intrude into our daily life and make even the great times tainted. Yes I got definitive proof so I don't feel lied to any more and don't have to imagine it, but now I can't fucking unsee the truth.
What the f**k do I do now?
