SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure where to put this.
I’ve caught my husband messaging other women many times.
The first time this happened he was sexting an ex fling of his, who sent me screenshots of their chat via facebook (how I discovered it all). I am going to call her A.
It then became a cycle that like once a year i would find out he was inappropriately messaging someone (not A, just random people). He would cry. Beg for forgiveness. Go to therapy. He then changed his sim, said he would start again.
Then things settled down and we were at the towns fiestas where we live (I live in Spain).
A few weeks passed and I got the urge to check his phone. I looked and there was a conversation with A. I couldn’t quite believe it as I presumed she was long gone. In this conversation, they were saying how good it was to see each other at the fiestas. They weren’t sexual but there were clearly enjoying catching up and chatting. Every couple days or so one of them would message ‘hi, how are you?’ And they would chat.
I was livid. I showed the messages to him and he told me ‘I haven’t done anything’. First thing to leave his mouth. He kept it from me that he was messaging her, which to me is something. I was fuming. I also discovered he had a secret instagram account which he coincidentally couldn’t remember the password to, and was liking her photos of her in underwear.
We somehow carry on.
Then he is sitting on the sofa next to me sexting another woman!! I asked who he was messaging and he quickly closed the conversation down and got all shifty. He finally confessed…but I had to wrestle his phone off him.
I didn’t fully forgive him after that time. I had my guard up and I knew at this point I can’t trust him but we have kids, so I wanted to make it work. I went to therapy and also told him what I need from him to trust him (no secrets, no lying, open communication).
Fast forward, on Sunday I discovered that A got back in touch with him and he had engaged and spoken to her, asking how she is. And then deleted that conversation and messaged her a couple of days later to ask how she is. He saved her number as X. I discovered it, though he didn’t get defensive or lie that time. He straight up told me.
I’ve been adamant I want to separate. Last night was the first time I’ve been OK to talk to him. I told him I was over all this and he said he wanted to let me know that A had messaged him on Monday evening but he had called her to tell her to stop messaging and that he didn’t want to hear from her again.
I struggled to trust him again after the last time. It didnt come back. So I feel it’s now completely lost, maybe forever? Without trust, what do we have?
Any advice for me??

Well, what you have here is a man who does not, IMO, respect you. He may be fond of you, attracted to you, "love" you (whatever that means to him, but he doesn't respect you because he won't do what you ask which is not to have these inappropriate conversations and texts with these women, especially A. He can't seem to stop talking to A in some way so....I have to ask him...what is the attraction to A....why can't you stop talking or texting or liking her bullshit on IG, etc. Why do you do this? Why do you honor her with your company instead of me with your fidelity. Why don't you respect the trust and the 2nd chances I give you? Do you have NO SELF CONTROL? What is wrong with you, man, what are you getting out of this thing with A. And it's true of the others too.

I am NOT a fan of opposite sex relationships, I think they are inherently a bad idea....for the obvious reason you see. Unless there's a big age difference or one of them is ugly (even that's not always a stop) the normal emotional and intellectual attraction between friends often has a physical element too....in oppo sex relationships. Maybe nothing happens, but I feel that the door.....is open. It's open to some extent. And the attention that is paid to an oppo sex "friend" is attention that is missing from the spouse. Especially if you think something more if going on....which realistically is often the case.

So I feel he doesn't respect you, he consistently violates the boundaries you valiantly and kindly put up, trying to keep things together. He's gonna keep doing this especially if he thinks you'll keep forgiving him, which you have.

I always ask people what do you WANT IN LIFE? What do you personally want to achieve, how do you want to be treated, what are your values? What are your lines in the sand? What do you want out of a relationship? I think you need to define these things about yourself because that gives you a solid basis to act from....knowing yourself means knowing what you will and will not deal with. It makes you strong, even if sometimes it makes you sad. Learn to be strong.

If I were you, I would be talking to a lawyer and looking at divorce. I don't know the laws of course, in Spain, but you need to check this out and find out what is the best you can work out for you and your kids. And when you have that to your satisfaction....start the process. If he realizes that you ARE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS...maybe it will help to catapult him into starting to change himself. Choosing MALE FRIENDSHIPS over women that seem like a challenge to you and your position. For things to change, somebody has to start the change. I think he's just gonna keep doing this until YOU start the change. So, as hard as I know it is, that's what I would do.
You can talk to a therapist for your own needs and goals but I don't know helpful it will be to talk as a couple because he's just gonna bullsht that person and you too. The bullshit has to stop.

Stay with us, there's a lot of other advice and support here, I'm only one person, others will have other perspectives and you'll get a lot of help. It's an excellent site and the people are very caring. Do not be afraid, God is always with you even in the dark. No matter what happens you will come out of this a stronger and wiser person. Good luck!

P.S. Ya know, I think a man who needs interaction with multiple women even if his wife or partner doesn't want him to do this.....is a weak and immature man. They don't generally make good or safe partners and this guy has to GROW UP.