SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I discovered by accident that my husband had been unfaithful at Christmas. I am devastated. I am 40 and he is 42 and we've been together 23 years.

He had an emotional affair for 10 months with the woman who is 16 years younger (a PhD student at his work). Then, at the Christmas night out, he went home with her. I also discovered he'd been painting a terrible picture of our marriage to justify his cheating.

He desperately wants to save our marriage and seems very remorseful. He also cut off contact with the woman. I just feel so unbelievably hurt and empty and it has severely affected me. The hurt, betrayal and awful thoughts are constantly there. I am truly shocked at his affair as he's the last person on earth I would have believed would do this.

Regarding the other woman, she has borderline personality disorder and has a strong need for attention. She confessed to me in her texts that she liked the attention he gave her more than she liked my husband. However, she still invited him to her house that night, knowing he would destroy his family. She also said there are 2 other other married men she is trying to pursue. When my husband told her I knew of the affair, she said she is used to dealing with angry wives. I am beyond disgusted at my husband, but also at this woman who has played her part in destroying our family, and for nothing.

I don't know what to do. Please can I have some opinions. Thank you for reading.

[This message edited by Janine84 at 8:47 PM, Tuesday, June 10th]

First, I am sorry that you have experienced this betrayal. Second, what you are feeling is not abnormal. You have undergone a trauma, similar to the death of a loved one. You are going through the well known stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining. You are a mixture of emotions like sadness, bewilderment, red hot anger, grief, fear, worthlessness, horror, uncertainty, humiliation, panic, confusion, and many others. In this state you should not be making major decisions like whether to divorce or reconcile. Let things settle for you. You already have an IC, so that’s a good start. Attend to your physical needs. Make sure you are eating well. Exercise. Try to sleep. And obviously, while suicide may seem a way to escape, why in the world should you give your life away because he chose to pleasure a horrible woman? Why should your child live without a mother?

Your husband picked a promiscuous woman to have sex with. You both need to get checked for STI’s. Oral sex is a pathway for many venereal diseases.

You have arrived at a good place. There are many caring and experienced people here who will offer you support and advice. Please know that you are not alone and that you will find your way out of this misery. It will not be fast and there will be setbacks. But you will make it one step at a time.

Janine84,

I found out about my Husband’s infidelities around the same time as you, I don’t have any expert advice as I’m up and down with my emotions too but I just wanted to say that you are not alone and what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Your main priority in life for the time being is you, let your H take care of everything including your child and please note that mom guilt does not exist right now, the only thing that matters right now is that you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Keep posting on here it really does help, take care.

Janine84: Heartbreaking behavior from your husband for you and your child. I agree that these events are traumatic. So overwhelming. Try to focus on your and your child:s needs right now. One moment at a time. It was so hard for me to focus at work and keep my emotions together - events from my dday. Exhausted just from trying so hard not to cry all day. Then finally getting in my car alone after work and the tears couldn't be stopped. Only to come home and put a different face on in front of my kids. Such a cruel thing to do to your loving and faithful spouse - cheat on them, and lie to them. Believe the rest of us BS, that the WS behavior is all their own and has nothing to do with us. They would be this way no matter who their spouse, children, parents, siblings, etc. are. This doesn't help it hurt less. It just is. My children kept me focused on the important things, and I doubt that I could have gotten this far without them. It is so great that you have reached out to your doctors and us for support. These are great choices that will help you heal and move forward with or without your WS. Honestly, I am still having a hard time accepting what my WS has done to our love story and why I even chose him to begin with. My IC has been helping me through this stuff. I pray that your suicide thoughts will be replaced with thoughts of hope, love, and patience for yourself. Do this for yourself, and your child, and for the rest of us here. We all need each other - and you.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're joining us. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that are very helpful. There are some that aren't pinned but have bull's eye icons that have a bunch of great information. I'll try to bump them tonight so they're closer to the top. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources, too.

I hope you're able to get IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist. Some of what you're describing is betrayal trauma. Please be watchful because some people can have PTSD or some very similar symptoms.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Dr. Glass has some really great information on setting boundaries because it sounds like his are pretty crappy.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs (both of you) because there are some pretty nasty diseases out there that turn into cancer and can kill you. His behavior has put your medical health at risk, on top of what the betrayal trauma has done to you.

Recognize that it will take you 2-5 years to heal from the infidelity, if not longer...and that's not including any relationship work you're doing if you choose R (reconciliation).

What would you like to do? You don't have to decide today or tomorrow. You may need to heal some before you start to get an understanding of what you'd like to do. You may wish to go see a barrister to find out what D (divorce) would look like. It doesn't mean that you have to D, but it will give you knowledge and knowledge is power.

I am so very sorry for your betrayal. It had to be a terrible holiday period, and no doubt you were and are in shock. Be kind to yourself.

It sounds like perhaps your husband is coming out of the fog and beginning to be honest and respectful of your rightfully fragile state. You don't have to make any rash decisions. Just watch, wait, feel and trust your gut.

Do you have full access to 10 months of phone and credit card records? If I followed your post, they "flirted" for 10 months, but only got together one time around Christmas and he stayed fully clothed (??!). Maybe, but Hmmmm . . .

Since he is trying to be honest and open, I would ask him to sit down with you tonight (or soon) and together go over all the credit card statements, his email and texts, and his cell phone records. Plan your review session, work time and child care appropriately so you won't be interrupted. Don't give him a head's up, so he can alter things.

If he truly is telling the truth and coming out of affair fog, he will gladly go over all of this with you, and make sure you have complete access any time you want it. If he has employment credit cards and/or email/ cell records, he can ask for copies knowing that he has nothing to hide. If he is sincere in his efforts to show he is sorry, he will do the legwork without complaint. It is exhausting if you have to try to research it all yourself without his cooperation. I know from experience!

The worst possible outcome here is that everything is not disclosed and you are getting trickle truth. You will be able to tell by his mannerisms and thoroughness in disclosing.

You have been traumatized. Let him make dinner, wash the dishes, vacuum the rugs, clean the toilets, put the baby to bed, AND prove to you he has disclosed everything.

Prayers for healing.

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to respond to my post. I haven't worked out how to reply to each person individually so I'm just writing a group response; I hope that's okay.

I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your replies so much and I've been taking time over the last few days to read through everything and to listen to your advice. I've also been looking through the pages on this site for help and guidance.

I'm sorry that you're all here too and in horrible situations. I have never experienced a pain like this. I believe this website will help me so I'm going to make sure I visit regularly.

Thank you all.