SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone on this site, BS's and WS's alike, for providing a place to learn and grow through this painful experience. I have been reading the stories and forums on this site for a long time (even before I became a member), and I was able to internalize a lot of helpful advice and thoughts that this community has provided.

A quick summary: I was with my partner for 15 years, and I recently confessed an affair from over a decade ago. After the affair, I convinced myself that if I vow to be the best partner I can be for the rest of my life, I could "make up" for it and he would never need to know (a continuation of my wayward thinking). A few months ago, with the advice I read on SI, I confessed fully to my partner without TT to give him the agency I stole from him so long ago.

He confessed his own infidelities as well, and we amicably separated with intent to divorce. I enrolled myself in a trauma center to receive intensive therapy and psychological care, as well as work on myself to explore my "why's". I am also digging into my childhood - along with my confession, all of my repressed childhood memories resurfaced.

While I am not in reconciliation with my partner, we are both throwing everything into self-improvement and still feel love and mutual respect. I am working through the shame, but not a second goes by that I don't think about the pain I caused him.

This will probably be a lifelong journey, but I am living authentically and honestly for the first time. Thank you again for everyone on this website for sharing your stories and advice, I wish you all healing and hope.

-Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken, my heart breaks for you. I pray that you are able to face and address the traumas you have experienced and the ones you have caused with a sense of sadness but not shame. I pray that you find a sense of dignity and hope for the future.

I confessed fully to my partner without TT to give him the agency I stole from him so long ago.

Thank God for this, it is one of the best things a wayward can do for their betrayed partner. The next best thing, I think, is to use the experience to grow into a better person, even if you do not reconcile or have a relationship in the future.

Take care heartbroken12345, and please share the parts of your journey that you are willing/able so that others can learn and be encouraged.

Thank you so much for the support, Pippin. I have read your story (I am also a huge LOTR fan) and can relate a lot with what you say and have experienced.
This website helped me to know the best way to go about disclosure. However, as we are not in R, I am traveling a bit of a lonely road of healing and recovery alone. Being a lonely MH is not a common experience on this website, so if anyone is in this situation I would love to connect.

For whatever it’s worth from a stranger on the Internet, I believe that you did the right thing by choosing to be honest with your spouse. The right thing to do for them, and also the right thing to do for your own self.

I say that, because I don’t believe it is really possible to live a life of authenticity and really be true to yourself, while keeping secrets like that. Not that a person needs to announce their transgressions to the world, but at least be honest with themselves and the person they broke a "contract" or agreement with, when they joined their lives together.

I am saying in a clumsy way, that I understand that it was likely very difficult for you to finally confess, and I respect the fact that you did. That took a lot of courage that a lot of people don’t have.

It is sad to me that in addition to you dealing with what you did, and finally being honest about it, your confession seems to have led to your husband also disclosing that he had betrayed you.

I don’t feel like that came out right either, with what I was really trying to say, so I will just say now, that I hear you, and I wish you well on your journey of learning, healing and growing.

Thank you so much, PrettyLies. Keeping secrets really is so detrimental - especially secrets that harm others. I have vowed to never do it again.
I came clean to all friends and his family as well, and they've been a great support system for him.

His own betrayal confessions were shocking, but I believe I was in a unique position to empathize and understand. I know the weight of shame and self-hatred from carrying these secrets and the horrible mindset one has to be in to act so destructively. While that doesn't make it okay, it did allow me to recognize that, which was helpful in healing.

Thank you for your well wishes, I wish you healing and peace