Five year post for reference: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/664802/5-year-update
At this point I would characterize myself as basically fully healed or as healed as I can expect. So the 2-5 years thing seems right. I'm happily married, which at least at some point in the past I wouldn't have said. I'd have said "I'm happy and married". Maybe still working to "fBS" that others have talked about. Maybe next year?
Once again posting in General rather than R mostly for traffic reasons, but I can say I'm very much R'd.
It's a couple days to the actual anti-versarry, but I'm going to be super busy. So just jumping on it a little early this year.
I would say that very little has changed in our marriage this year, still along those "typical of midlife" issues when they arise rather than anything related to the A. I once again don't really think any of them are worth getting into on this forum and we don't harbor any secrets or resentments about what the issues are or how we cope with them. That in itself is a "win" if you ask me.
Another area that feels pretty much completely healed is her going on trips solo doesn't really bring me anxiety. She had both a girls' trip and a reunion that she went to solo and they were really no problem for me. Similar to the last update, she seemed more worried about it than me and made sure she kept me up to date on their activities and sent me fun pictures.
We've probably only had one argument/fight the whole year and it was over an impromptu decision I made to keep options open for a hobby I started. I entered an event that is by lottery only and got a slot (about 10% of applicants per year get an entry). It conflicted with our kid's birthday. Ultimately I couldn't get my team behind the effort because we are a little underprepared and the notice was a little short. While the fight didn't ultimately matter there was some discussion about how this hobby is "selfish".
Now, I'm not really going to argue about the selfishness of the hobby. It is selfish. It brings me joy. It isn't for her, or for my family. It is for me. And I'll be damned if I don't do something for me. What this may have to do with the A and with R is that prior to her A there is probably no way that I would be so selfish in my hobby selection. I would probably would have agreed with her and said "You're right, it doesn't enrich our relationship or our family so I won't pursue it". Now, I think that enriching my life experience is important, and honestly more important than enriching my M. I think my M will benefit from this selfishness though. I won't harbor any resentment against my wife that she won't "let" me do what I want. It's not really a permission thing, but maybe you understand what I'm getting at. Everything has been reframed, and my priorities definite moved from 1) kids 2) marriage 3) self. To 1) kids 2) self 3) marriage. I don't see that priority swapping back ever.
I have touched on this topic for sure before in other threads. Marriage 2.0 for me is something that is good for me. Prior to the A, you could almost say I served the marriage. Yes it was good for me, but I was ready and willing to make sacrifices to make the marriage better. The idea being that a better marriage would pay off in the long run. With the addition of living with uncertainty, it just makes more sense to swap those two positions. Taking care of myself first means I will continue to be happy in marriage 2.0. I am not just picking myself at every turn, but it means I know that at least I am happy for now and I'm not pumping effort in somewhere where I can't be sure of the pay off.
Now this discussion above obviously focuses a little on the negative / long term damage so perhaps it's also worth talking about the good stuff. My wife and I communicate better than ever. We have been able to come to quicker resolutions on topics that might have previously caused conflict. She will sometimes still come in loaded for what used to be a long discussion where I would provide resistance and I'll say, "It's cool, just do X if you think it makes sense / if you want it" where I might have used to oppose to things that I didn't feel were necessary. I'm a practical guy, but I'm trying to expand my understanding of what aesthetic things are "practical" to my wife because they bring her joy.
We are in a great rhythm in terms of taking turns planning dates and enjoying each other's company. We had previously tried to do a specific schedule but it kind of turned into a chore, but we are now just doing it a little more organically without a specific schedule and I think it's going really well. We are also logistically on the same page in terms of organizing our family activities and getting our kids hauled around to all their extra curriculars.
Work has been going extremely well for me, which isn't really an update on my relationship, but when you are first in the shit, work performance inevitably takes a major hit. I've been knocking it out of the park and am pleased with myself.
